Sunday, July 26, 2009

My Father’s Son…

There was a farewell at church today.  Lots of people.  And upon walking in I was surprised to see that, even with all the visitors, the west half of the third row was wide open.

Why was it wide open?

Because that’s “our row.”

And I chuckled.  It was just like growing up.

And upon further reflection I realized something both terrible and wonderful…

I am my father’s son.

That’s the good news.

And the bad.

As much as I fought it in my youth, wanting to be my “own” man, there’s just no outrunning my upbringing.

On the one hand, I seem to have a lot of the tendencies I always loved about Dad.  Most of them are small, private things.  And it makes me feel good… like it’s going to be ok.  I think this story has a happy ending.

And I also struggle with many of the same demons Dad fought his entire life (that I remember).

It’s frustrating.  At times it’s terrifying.

I’m most afraid of the effect my procrastination, risk-taking and disdain for anything resembling authority has on Lauren and my girls.

And I wonder… are Dad’s weaknesses the natural companion to his strengths?  Because what he was good at, there were few better.  And what he was bad at, he was terrible.  Not a lot of balance or moderation.

And I loved that about him.

I also know that those weaknesses were tough on Mom for a long time.  And created tough spots for the family that I mostly avoided… but Amy, Pepper, Brooke and Kristen took on the chin.

It’s tough for me to have perspective here.

I want to be just like Dad.  And I’m terrified I’ll be “just” like Dad.

Where’s Dad when I need to talk to him?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

On Freedom…

One of the reasons I don’t blog more often is that I tend to gravitate personally to more serious topics and I’m just not sure anyone wants to read what I have to say on spirituality, politics, economics, etc.  Plus, I’m not exactly the poster child for short, sweet and to-the-point.  I’m more than a little self-conscious about that kind of stuff.

Even when I was writing my weekly article for the Arizona Republic I had to constantly edit it down and fight with the editors for more space.  What started as an 800-word column grew to 2,000 words a week before I stopped writing it.  So that makes it a little tough to do every day.  I would agonize for days at a time over each of my articles.

I was always surprised at how arduous writing was for me (even though I receive very positive feedback) versus doing something like my radio shows.  On the radio I could show up 15 minutes before a live 1-hour show without any preparation and be good to go.  Writing is certainly a different animal.

With that said, however, I do feel a strong desire (need?) to occasionally express myself on topics I consider important… even critical.  And since I no longer have a radio show, newspaper column or regular speaking gig I suppose that just leaves my blog.

This is a stretch for me.  Even so, I’d appreciate your honest feedback.  Agree or disagree, I’d like to know what your opinion is.  It can only broaden my perspective.

In the past I’ve tried to follow my sisters’ style and keep this light-hearted and funny.  It suits them.  Not so much for me.  If this is ever going to stick I have to write about the things that consume me.  Amy and Brooke may find it a little odd that their older brother feels scared to step out of their shadows… but that's where I find myself today.

Here goes.

It’s the 4th of July.  Independence Day.

In America it’s our day to celebrate our hard-won freedom.  And I can’t help but acknowledge the irony of a country so identified with freedom that is populated by so many people who don’t understand what freedom is or what it means.  Staggering.

We are so far off track that at times it’s hysterically funny to me.  Often sobering.  Mostly it just scares me for the future of my country and the world my children are inheriting.

I don’t consider myself a doomsdayer.  And I don’t pretend to preach that our society is headed for imminent destruction.  I leave that to the comedic interpretations of the extreme left and far right.  Those idyllic fools understand the true meaning of our freedom even less than John Q.  And their predictions and knee-jerk reactions are predictably laughable, at best.

Of far greater concern to me is that our society and way of life has proven to be so robust and resilient that we often have no burning desire or reason to shift our beliefs.  Even when they don’t serve us as well as they should.  We are complacent.  And arrogant.  And ignorant.

And we just don’t seem to care all that much because we’re also comfortable.  And “educated.”  And well-off.  Certainly better-than.  And life is generally safe and easy.

So why, pray tell, would we choose to shake that up?  And disturb the precarious balance we’ve established between good-enough and the misery of conscience that comes with an awareness of how great this could be… and isn’t.

Evidence?  Check out the disturbingly high rate of consciousness-altering drugs in use in our society today.  And I’m not talking about the kind of drugs where reputable, upstanding people get to look down their noses at the miscreants and scofflaws that use and abuse illegal substances such as marijuana, meth, cocaine, etc.

I am talking about the far more revealing and problematic societal symptom of prescription drugs everywhere designed to alter our moods and emotions so we can more adequately deal with the pressures and stresses of life.

And if this were a recent phenomenon in today’s economy it would at least be explainable.  Instead this trend took hold during one of the most economically abundant periods in the history of our nation (and the world).

And it’s not just the staggering amount of Xanax, Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac, etc. that is prescribed every day.  That’s just a symptom of a larger illness.  Other symptoms are pathetic divorce rates.  Alcoholism.  Apathy.  Ridiculous political polarity.  Economic depression.  And on.  And on.  And on.

I can’t help but think that these are all symptoms of a people struggling for something different.  Different results.  More meaning.  Less conflict.  Peace.  Security.  Fill in your own blank here.

It’s as if we share a societal conscience.  And we know that somehow we are violating that tiny voice telling us there is something wrong.  And it’s not so much that we ignore it… it’s more like we are desperately grabbing at straws to satisfy it.  We’ll try just about anything to have what we say we want.

And at the root of our attempts to discover meaning and fullness in our lives I think we misunderstand some very core principles.

Things like faith.  And accountability.  And peace.  And freedom.

Why?  Partly because we learned from parents who misunderstand as well and pass that innocent (and hurtful) ignorance on to us.  Partly because we have leaders willing to actively mislead us to accomplish their goals.  Mostly because we are so busy searching for a solution to our lives that we never stop long enough to ponder on the root causes of our frustration and dissatisfaction.

And that brings me to freedom.  Simple concept.  Very misunderstood.  Made worse by a society that sloughs off personal accountability.

As so often happens when a simple principle is misunderstood, it’s not just a minor clarification that is in order.  The entire concept of freedom has been turned on its ear.  Our common definition of it is entirely at odds with its real meaning.

In America we want to claim our freedom as the right to do as we choose / please.  AND the right to choose our consequencesThis is silly.  And it doesn’t work.  Try it sometime.  You’ll see.

And yet we have massive organizations fighting constantly for this version of freedom.  A freedom void of consequence and natural law.  No wonder we have to fight so hard for that kind of freedom.  It’s a fairy-tale freedom that doesn’t (and can’t) exist in this world.  It’s a myth.  Or, more accurately, a lie.

And although I consider myself to have very liberal social sympathies, I’m ashamed at how much of this “freedom-to-do” myth is advanced by social liberals who believe there is some nirvana to be found in a society that has been taught they can do anything in the name of freedom.

It’s absolute and utter garbage.

You see, the real freedom we have as Americans and individuals is not the freedom to do anything our minds can imagine… but to create anything our minds can imagine.  There is a night-and-day difference between the two.  Huge.

I have to thank my mom for teaching this to me.  Even if she didn’t intend to teach it.

Growing up my mom wrote cookbooks.  Good ones.  Popular ones.

And cooking was a fundamental part of my childhood experience.  I learned the importance of following a recipe… and the dangers and rewards of experimenting with one.

As a child with an immature view on cooking I tended to believe more in the “freedom-to-do” version of cooking.  If I wanted to make great cookies it seemed so simple to me.  I figured I could even make better cookies than mom because I wouldn’t put anything “gross” into them.  Like flour.  Or eggs.  And certainly no walnuts ;-)

My cookies would *ROCK* because they’d have only the best stuff in them.  Who needs 4 cups of flour when I can replace that tasteless flour with 4 cups of yummy sweet sugar.  After all, it’s almost the same… right?

And wouldn’t it make it soooo much better if there weren’t things like salt and bitter baking soda in there?

Come to think of it, doesn’t it seem like the best cookies in the world would be nothing more than sugar and vanilla?  Maybe throw in some chocolate chips, if you go for that sort of thing?  Oh… and lots of butter.

Try it.

They are, not surprisingly, terrible.

They taste gross.  The texture and consistency is a disaster.  They’re impossible to get off the pan.  Just a complete failure when compared to what I really want… the best cookies.

So I’m faced with a very fundamental and basic choice.  I can either choose my actions or my outcomes.  Not both.

When I choose my actions then the outcomes are pre-determined and natural consequences of those actions.  I must accept the results.  I don’t get to choose them.

When I choose the outcome I can focus on what I want the result to be.  And then I am bound by those actions that would create my desired outcome.  In cooking that is called a recipe.  In cooking it is a generally accepted principle.  In cooking I would be laughed at if I approached it any other way.

This is not a limitation or arbitrary restriction.  It is simply the most effective route to my desired outcome.

And yet in life we are constantly trying to choose both our actions and our outcomes.  Trying to create delicious cookies from just sugar and vanilla.  And then we cry and moan and complain when life gives us crappy outcomes.  And somehow we consider this sane.

The ultimate freedom is not the freedom to choose your input (action).  It is the freedom to choose your output (creation).  And that freedom to create is precisely what constrains our actions and behaviors.

People are offended when you suggest there should be any constraint on their actions.  Suddenly you are imposing on their freedoms and agency.  It’s not right, all these restrictions that are placed on them.  Quick, someone call the ACLU. 

And then they also want to complain (and blame) when they don’t have the results they desire in their life.

Ummmm… duh!

It’s why Stephen Covey says you must “start with the end in mind.”  It’s why certain scriptures say all things were created “spiritually before they were naturally upon the face of the earth.”  It’s why new-age teachers will have you create vision boards and presence the future in meditations.

Because freedom (also known as agency) is a law of the universe.

And it’s powerful.  Absurdly so.

And it’s wicked frustrating trying to get anywhere without first understanding how to create desired outcomes in your life.

Of course, understanding the true nature of freedom is just the first step.

That knowledge alone will shift your focus from what you want to do to what you desire to *create*.  Very powerful.

And not enough.

Because we then run squarely into the problem of ignorance.

If I don’t know or can’t envision what I want to create then I’m immediately at a loss and I’ve forfeited a huge portion of the power of freedom.

How can I be a great husband or father if I don’t know what that looks like?  I’m limited in my freedom to choose my results when I can’t imagine what that result “looks” like.

And that means that part of freedom absolutely and unquestionably must be the pursuit of knowledge and the discovery of options.

I am most definitely not free to choose from the abundance of the universe in ignorance.  I cannot claim the privilege of freedom when I am uneducated and unwilling to experiment with the “recipes” of life.

I’ve heard it said that ignorance is bliss.  Sorry… but I have to call B.S. on that lie.

There is no bliss in ignorance because there is no freedom in ignorance.

And without freedom you are blocked in your path.  Blocked in your progress.  Blocked in your learning.  And certainly damned in your aspiration for deep, fulfilling joy.

Oops… I seem to have over-written my welcome.  Before I go, though, know this…

We tend to treat freedom as a noun.  An object to possess that is passed down from our fathers and our fathers’ fathers.  Something we will, in time, bequeath to our own children and their posterity.

It is not.

Freedom requires vision.

Freedom requires learning.

Freedom requires effort.

Freedom is hard work.

And every individual must gain his or her own personal freedom.  Your own personal freedom.

The gift our country and our forefathers give to us is not the gift of freedom itself… rather the gift of the right to freedom.

It is up to each of us to accept that gift and honor that right.

Misuse that right or misunderstand that freedom and you are as much a slave as any creature ever was.

Honor that gift and develop and grow your freedom and the mysteries and treasures of life are yours to create.

Which will you choose?

Friday, July 3, 2009

5-Star B&B Review…

Last week I discovered the best little bed & breakfast in Utah.  I have to tell you about it in case you’re ever up in Utah for a few days and need a great, cheap place to stay.

This place has excellent food for breakfast, lunch and dinner prepared by a wonderful chef (formerly from Lone Star).  Sierra even made the comment that it was just like a *real* family with homemade food for all three meals.  I don’t know the exact hours, but the kitchen seems to be open all day.  It was cooking hot breakfast before I woke up each day and was still going strong when I laid my head down each night.

The daily entertainment options were top-notch.  There was dancing, partying, games, outdoor activities, rock-climbing, regular comedy routines and usually at least 3 different acts to choose from at any given time.  To be honest, sometimes it was a challenge to avoid the entertainment variety on display from sun-up to sun-down each day.  Whether you’re into comedy, drama, theatre, dance, horror, or whatever… you’ll find it there.

In particular, the Princess Revue is a must see.  The quick-change costuming and breadth of scope are stunning.  I’m amazed that one show can have so many princess costumes and characters.  Truly amazing.  Kudos to the wardrobe department.

And the kids are not forgotten.  There’s a great slide towards the back of the property that I couldn’t pull my kids away from.  Hotel management calls it “The Stairs”, but to my kids it’s just a super fast slide (especially when you use a fully inflated camping mat as a sled).  Plus on-location amenities such as skitters, endless snacks and food, a big-screen TV and the previously mentioned entertainment was like a 24-hour babysitter for my 3 girls.

And the convenience can’t be beat.  Within walking distance of shopping, food (Arby’s, Nielson’s Custard and a plethora of other restaurants), 3 Redboxes, church, parks, and even a car dealership (something not overlooked by Holly), it’s a can’t miss.  I think for 2 straight days I didn’t drive my car.

The hotel staff seems to be up for just about anything.  From rock-climbing at a local gym to playing in the community center pool to virtually anything that got everyone out of their rooms and into somewhere else.  They’re even willing (almost anxious) for the staff entertainers to accompany you to wherever tickles your fancy.  Always quick with recommendations for all age groups, they’re a real life-saver in an unknown city with lots to do.

As a terrific added bonus, if you happen to have 3 shopaholic daughters, there is an on-site personal shopping coach (who looks an awful lot like the chef… and cleaning lady… and entertainment director) who will teach your children to clip coupons and shop intelligently.  It even includes an all-day personal shopping expedition at no additional charge.  Magnificent.

What would you expect to pay for such service and convenience?  On previous visits to the Salt Lake area I’ve stayed at the Hyatt, Hilton and Marriott.  Each of those costs more than $100 per night.  For a quaint Bed and Breakfast like this I expected to pay a premium.  Yet the entire 6-night stay for me and my kids (in 2 bedrooms) was had for just a $50 gift certificate to Ross.  Amazing, you say?  I agree!

So where is this wonderful little getaway?  Why, it’s Brooke’s house, of course.

I want to thank her for her patience and willingness to have her life interrupted for a week while my kids and I took over her house and life.  She’s awesome.  Much like Amy last summer, Brooke and her family were fantastic hosts.  It’s much appreciated.  And I love getting to know my sisters better.  And watching my kids get to play with distant cousins is always a joy.  Thank you.

And… based on the pattern I’m establishing… watch out Staci because next year looks like your turn ;-)